I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
