found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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