She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
