weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
