All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
