I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
