my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
