i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
