I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
