It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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