wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
