Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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