somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So many bounce houses so little time
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
