the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
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I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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