I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
