I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
