I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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