YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
The air taste purple.
Randomize
