I cannot find my penis.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
