i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
