Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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