I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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