T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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