my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
