He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
