mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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