remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
