She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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