New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
