i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
