Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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