I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
