Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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