Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
