just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
