I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
