I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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