i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
