I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
