Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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