he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
