I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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