Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
