If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
