Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
