Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
