the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
