I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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