and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
