I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
