i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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