I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
