I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
