Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
