You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Randomize
